Snow White with the Big Arus

Or should that be brown envelopes?

There once lived a beautiful Princess in a land so green, it was known as the Emerald Isle. And her home was a grand palace known as the Arus. Everyone loved her in this verdant land except her step-mother, the Queen Kathleen. There came a time when the nasty jealous Queen was so upset after tolerating the beautiful Princess for 14 years that she decided it was time to banish her from the Arus.

Now word got out that Snow White was to be banished and seven green dwarves came to her rescue. However, while they had all agreed that Snow White was a wonderful person, they decided one of them should take her place in her Arus. Now, while doing their best to keep in with the beautiful Princess, they plotted and schemed behind her back to get the people to pick one of them. While none of them could boast any great talents or virtues, the people of this enchanted land must make a choice on the selected day -October 27th 2011. Everyone in the land was extremely sorry to hear that their beautiful Princess was going into a deep sleep and didn’t relish the thought of another seven years without her.

The seven green dwarves (some claimed to be greener than others) were Molly Bloom, Gabby Blueshirt, Mickey Dweedledee, Marty Two Shoes, Seanie Bald Og, Rosie Lee and Wavy Davey. You’d travel a long way to find a more diverse bunch of dwarves.

Molly Bloom had developed a hunch-back from carrying so many quangos around the country. Her soliloquy ranted on about the value of being involved in all of her organisations – “They were easily worth €200000 a year to her,” she said. Her links to the Soldiers of Destiny, a disgraced brotherhood who had brought shame to the Emerald Isle, were causing her many sleepless nights. She had spent some time with Snow White in her Court Council, where they discussed dresses and shoes among other important things. Her poster tried to rival the beautiful Princess for youthful looks and caused much consternation across the land.

A temperamental little upstart of a dwarf was how Gabby Blueshirt was widely described. His shirt was a present to him from some grateful members of his family for keeping out a nasty uncle who had a habit of eating bread with several of their enemies. Never one to shirk a fight, he stalked one of the very green dwarves for several weeks calling him all sorts of murderous names. The lovely people of this land could not warm to Gabby and despite his family being the big noise in the country, there was no hope of him replacing Snow White.

As dwarves go, Mickey Dweedledee was small in stature and quiet by nature. Prone to recite poetry or possibly jump on a jet to fight for some civil or human rights issue in a far flung land, he let us all know that he was the ideal woman for the job. The only problem was, he often used that foreign tongue called Erse (useful in the Arus) so nobody could understand a word of what he said. He was known to smoke wacky backy, a funny type of tobacco mixed with natural herbs and go to rock concerts – not bad for a seventy year old pensioner. With a happy family behind him, he is hopeful the good people will rock with him into the Arus.

Now this great and green island had been torn in two by our nasty neighbours, leaving some of our wonderful people on the other side of the border. Marty Two Shoes was one of these and word has it, he might have been up to no good up there, stirring up all sorts of murder and mayhem. He got the nickname of Two Shoes for his habit of getting out of bed in the dark and putting onto his feet whichever shoes came to hand. As a result, he could never remember which shoes he was wearing during the ’70’s and ’80’s. The ones that caused him most grief were the PIRA brogues, which were so tight he couldn’t think straight when wearing them. When he stepped across the border to join the other dwarves, he wore an odd pair of soft and peaceful slippers but the good people could still hear him coming with his bodyguards and kept asking him awkward questions about his old shoes. Gabby Blueshirt was a real pest.

Rosie Lee, another lady dwarf came in search of Snow Whites palace, having variously lived in the estranged land across the border, in a foreign land far across the ocean and also on the Emerald Isle. She has been known to sing for her supper with a copy of the Palace rules in her hand, while trying to explain how she managed to be a citizen of three nations. Her family is small and troublesome, even stooping so low as to slash her tyres and say nasty things about their own brother. Poor Rosie has taken so much time off, no-one knows what she stands for and has no hope of getting into the Arus.

Now there came a bald dwarf to the show, strangely called Seanie Bald Og, who refused to use posters in case people would draw on his pate. A dab hand at making a deal or two, he has courted the disgraced Soldiers of Destiny to row in behind him as he was one of them once upon a time.  Be careful Snow White if he asks you up for a dance – without a note in his head and two left feet, your toes could suffer. Now Seanie has sneaked up the pecking order and all the other dwarves are trying to stick knives in him.  If he gets the good people of the green land to back him, he could be a real pain in the Arus.

A long time out in the field, the grass has started to grow over Wavy Davey and no matter how hard he pleads with Snow White, her step-mother, the Fairy Queen doesn’t fancy competition under her nose. He has been out and in again like the tide while trying to look after his overseas friend, who was fond of playing with boys, causing many of the good people to look the other way. James Joyce might have liked to have this queen dwarf strut his stuff up in the Arus but unless he gets an invite on Blooms Day, that’s about as close as he will get.

If only Snow White knew what was going on, she might have made her peace with Queen Kathleen and stayed on for another few years. Enjoy your sleep while your subjects make their choice on the dwarf to follow in your footsteps.


1 thought on “Snow White with the Big Arus

  1. Pingback: Countdown to Arus ballot | charliekavanagh

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